T.S. Eliot was wrong. The world may not end with a whimper, but a Twitter.
The Donald is every day inching the planet closer to full-out nuclear winter as he threatens Armageddon in 140 characters or less.
Doesn’t the end of the world, the horrific deaths of our families, the boiling of our planet, the destruction of humanity, deserve to be announced in at least — what? — 150 characters?
No. Nuclear holocaust is being decided by the world’s two worst haircuts, who each have the trigger fingers of their very little hands on the big triggers of a nuke.
STASI: Swift’s groping trial testimony could’ve used less ‘a–‘
And the President of the United States, whose military experience extends to hiring and firing generals and going to rich-boy military school 60 years ago, has been announcing his readiness to nuke the North daily in 140 characters, including exclamation points!!!
Not exactly JFK and the Cuban missile crisis.
But hey — the end of humanity as we know it is definitely a great way to get the media to stop focusing on Russia. Who cares about something as dumb as the apocalypse when The Donald’s approval ratings are at stake?
Can you see his last Tweet — just as the catclysm hits?
@realDonaldTrump: Just nuked N Korea! Greatest nuke ever! O didn’t have guts to do it.My approval rating now higher than O’s#!! Oh sh–!! What’s that?!!
Ironically, Trump once really tweeted out what has turned out to be a prediction of his own presidency: “Obama is, without question, the WORST EVER president. I predict he will now do something really bad and totally stupid to show manhood!”
Like what? Threatening mass annihilation?
SEX DOLLS BLOWING UP THE INTERNET
Trending big for a month now on What’s Trending is the story that porn website xHamster has gone into the sex doll business, basing the dolls on their users’ favorite porn stars.
The company’s VP Alex Hawkins said they went into the nasty doll biz because their viewers love watching porn alone. Ewww. He says they are “the perfect companion for the modern man.”
xHamster doesn’t appear to be in the male sex doll business. Maybe they’re too hard to, oh never mind.
Anyway, if these sex dolls are really what the modern man wants, hell — bring on Armageddon after all.
Nuke Nuts: The world is really in trouble when violent leaders like Vlad the Impaler and China’s repressive Xi Jinping are the ones urging the U.S. and North Korea to practice restraint. This is like asking Trump to stop tweeting …
White House Gold: The White House is under renovation, which is great because Trump says it’s a dump compared to his usual living arrangements. For one thing, the Oval Office still doesn’t have a golden throne like the one he’s got at home …
The NFHell: The NFL says photos of the bruises taken by the woman who accused Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott of attacking her three times are legit. The league hit him with a six-game suspension. If he’d killed her, they would have given him a seven-game suspension. Elliott says it’s all a lie and that the woman just got banged up in a bar fight. What a classy guy.
MAYOR DE NAPPER
How dare Mayor de Blasio nap on the job? After the story hit, de Blasio’s napping has become a national disgrace. It should come as no surprise that Bill de Napper shares this midday de Bauchery with some of history’s biggest no-account slackers.
Like? Like, let’s see, some infamous slacker-nappers include Thomas Edison, Salvador Dali, John F. Kennedy, Eleanor Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Leonardo da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.
What a bunch of bums. Just think of what these losers could have accomplished if they hadn’t wasted their lives napping during working hours.
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